I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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