If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
