Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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