she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
