another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm way too hungover for life right now
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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