i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
