four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
