Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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