Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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