If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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