this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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