Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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