drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
