I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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