update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
