i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
