All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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