An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
