Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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