youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
