I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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