i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
