dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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