Non-Jews are for practice
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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