shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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