Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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