is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
