ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize