Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
