I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
