Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
