i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
