I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
