Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
