just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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