Got a toothbrush?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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