I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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