Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
