My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
