why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
