I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
