it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
