I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize