She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She told me I should be a condom model.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
