My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
