You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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