If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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