I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize