I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
