The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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