Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The air was thick with penises
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize