Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
