You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
