If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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