I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
