I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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