You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
