hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
