My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
