While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
