Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
