I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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