This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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