My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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