The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize