I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
