im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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