Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
