i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i think my mom watched the whole time
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
