My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
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