My sheets look like a crime scene.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
