I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
