Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
