he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
