yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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