we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
