I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
