You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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