Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
